I have been struggling emotionally and physically for the past 4 months, and something in me felt I needed to write a public journal entry about it. I guess mostly because I’m tired of lying to everyone, and tired of having to explain myself when I randomly burst out in tears. But also hopefully to give some encouragement to someone who may need it.
I lost a baby in February. Definitely the hardest thing I have EVER had to go through. When my husband and I found out we were going to have a baby we were SO excited. We had to tell close family and friends right away because we could not keep that joy to ourselves. About 2 weeks shy before announcing the pregnancy to the whole world, we lost our child. Any emotion you could think of I went through that week of waiting for confirmation that it was actually true. I was angry, upset, hopeful. But I knew before the doctor confirmed it that my baby was gone. I kept holding on to that tinge of hope the doctor gave me in that phone call that there was still a 50% chance that things were ok, hoping maybe it was true. But February 24th, I got the phone call that crushed all that hope.
That whole day was surreal. Now, my sister was pregnant at this time and wasn’t due until March, but I looked at her and said “You’re going to have this baby tonight you know.” I just had this feeling. She said she didn’t believe me. Sure enough, her beautiful baby boy came into the world that night. Holding my nephew in my arms the next day was so hard. I wanted to love this child that was a new part of this family, but at first I was afraid. I went through so many emotions, and thinking about how I will never be able to hold my own baby. (Now I believe that my nephew was born early to help me in my grieving. I got to hold him and see him smile. Just holding him and let the tears flow helped me to connect to my own baby).
About a week after my loss I had a huge meltdown. I cried in the arms of my mom. I thank her so much for just holding me and letting me get all my emotions out. For giving me words of encouragement she could offer. It was such a huge weight that lifted off my shoulders that day finally letting out everything that I was holding to myself.
I also thank my sister, who at first did not know how to grieve with me until that day she came into the room and poured her emotions. I know that I don’t say it enough, but I love her so much! I thank my husband for just holding me and loving me throughout this entire time. This experience has brought us closer than ever. I thank God for helping me through this awful time. He gave me more strength than I ever could have expected, and all of this has allowed me to see life in a different light and become a stronger person. At first I was angry at God and why He let this happen when other people in the world have abortions. We wanted this baby so bad, and He took that baby away from us. I know everything happens for a reason, but sometimes it’s really hard to know that reason. I still don’t understand why it had to happen, but I have seen God working through the entire process in different little ways. During my breakdown with my mom, God gave me this wonderful vision of my baby up in heaven in His arms. My baby was surrounded by my close relatives who are no longer with us, and my great-grandfather was singing praises. This was this best gift God could give me for it let me know my baby is ok and with her heavenly Father. (In that moment in my soul, I knew my baby was a girl, and my husband and I named her Peyten). One day I will be able to hold my baby in my arms and I can not wait to see her.
Since the experience, my friends and family have been so supportive even though they were not sure how to comfort me, I know how much they cared, and I want let them know that even though you felt you had nothing to give to help me; you did by the love you showed. I have since met other women who have gone through the same experience as me, and just having those brief little moments with these women who were strangers, was amazing. I thank each one for their words and knowing I am not alone in this. I hope that by reading this, if you have gone through this awful experience, that you find some bit of encouragement. Just remember when people try to console you to take what you want and leave the rest. They are all there for you in your time of need and love you.
There is not a day that I don’t think of my little girl. I wish everyday that I could still feel her growing inside of me. I know one day I will have a child, and I know my heart won’t start healing until that time arrives. I thank each of you for your kind words, and love. It has helped me so much through this tough time. Much love. Justine (and Riley)
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