Losses and New Life

As I have shared previously, I had a miscarriage back in 2010. (Read my story here). There is not a day that goes by without me thinking of my precious little Peyten. I look at my nephew and sometimes think "wow, she would be this big, she would be doing this now." I miss her every single day.
When I was pregnant with my son, it was a daily struggle worrying everyday if he was ok and still alive inside of me. I am pregnant again (and yes so very excited!) but again, every day has been a struggle for me worrying if this little one is still growing. There is something unique about this pregnancy which has made it just a little harder for me. This baby is due the day before Peyten was due three years earlier. Crazy, I know. February was a very tough month for me with breakdowns and gloomy days. I thought I was coping fairly well with my emotions about the pregnancy but I was very wrong. I kept telling myself that my thoughts were irrational, that I needed to stop and take a breath and just move on with the day. But all of that started bubbling to the surface and it all that pain came rushing out. I now realize that these emotions are okey to feel but I need to remind myself that everything happens for a reason and right now I need to trust that everything is okey and stay positive. Yes I still worry. I cuddle my son tighter. I check on him at night time. Because this fear consumes my every day. I have had counselling (yes I admit it. After Peyten, I could not go on trying to heal my heart by myself, I needed help). I will be going again soon. It has helped me so far and I refuse to go on trying to heal myself again.
Last month I got to see my little one in an ultrasound and my shoulders finally relaxed a bit seeing the baby move around. In a few weeks I will get to see the baby again and I look forward to that day!