It's a B*tch but I'm Not Sorry

When someone announces “It’s a Girl” I feel pain. If I know you and you announce this personally and I don’t seem excited, it’s not that I’m not so happy for you, I’m just thinking about the girl I lost. If we are together and I don’t want to hold your baby girl, it’s not that I don’t, it’s because I’m afraid I’ll burst into sobs if I do. If you are telling me something cute your little girl did and I don’t seem very interested, I am listening, but I’m also thinking what it would've been like if it was MY girl. 

So please, don’t judge anyone upfront as a b*tch if you've experienced this. Some days it’s still very hard even though it’s been four years. The pain of loosing a baby never really goes away. 

If you ask me “so are you going to try for a girl?” and I reply with some sarcastic edge, I’m sorry but I’ve lost a girl and it’s hard to hear that question. I know you’re just making kind conversation, but to me, there’s no need to “try” for a girl, I've already had one, but unfortunately she wasn't meant to enter this world. I’m perfectly wonderfully happy with my two boys, but yes, I could've had a girl and it’s painful to think of that.

I've lost a baby and if you have as well, I hope you don’t feel embarrassed when you get emotional about little things. It’s all very real. I used to feel embarrassed when I cried “for no reason” in public, but I’m human, and so are you and those moments are very real.